Day 270: Jakarta (Tak Pernah) Sepi IV

apa ini cukup sepi? whatever!



yes? no? maybe?

Day 270: Life Is As Good As What You Make Of It

It is two in the morning and everybody's asleep. Well, that's almost everybody, because if you can read this post that only mean that I am not sleeping, not yet, anyway. I did not want to sleep because when I sleep it will be Your face that I see, it will be Your face that I will be dream of. So, instead of a slumber, I chose to keep myself awake.

Someone I overheard saying that Life is as good as what one would make of but maybe I just didn't buy it. I mean, if there's always this perpetual feeling that things could be -- or should I say must be -- getting much better, why does it seem that for me at least that everything has come to a halt, being stagnant (if I couldn't say that it's getting worse and worsen), depressingly routine. It is hard to believe and hold on some optimistic point of view when every facts you have point on the other way.

I shouldn't be saying this -- or in this case, wrote about this -- but this need to write something on this wee hour is so great that I must write. Something. Before I will myself to sleep. Facing You again, in Your own domain, Your dwelling place. And there is nothing that prepare me to another encounter with You.

There is light and there is Light, but there is Dark also.

I just don't know what You represent. Not yet, anyway.

Isn't It Curious? Photography Books Queries...

Right now, sitting in a cafe, drinking black coffee, no sugar (one of my favorite drink) while using the available free wi-fi, my mind got on a journey -- as what a wayfarer should be. That's me, wayfarer, if you don't recognize it. Maybe it's just my nature or the caffeine in just one cup could get my mind soaring and wandering to places that might be unrelated to my everyday life.

Right now I remember my previous visit to a famous bookstore that boast to be the largest in Indonesia. You see, as a photography hobbyist, it's no wonder that I'd walk to Hobby/Photography section on my every visit to that bookstore -- or any similar but different brand bookstore.

But in any Indonesian bookstore, I see similarities. Coincidence? I don't know. Maybe that's because it just what we Indonesian do things.

You see, there's seemed to be a lot more books on photography's digital editing, more than about how to photograph or any real photography books that even tell you about basic rules in photography, or books on tips, or about certain places that are photographically beautiful. There's these line of photoshoping books on different version of PS, or different subject but using Photoshop, or using Photoshop to edit photos.

I mean, want to find a book about lighting tutorials or composition or how to use certain types of camera? Good luck on that.

Maybe because doing photography is still an expensive hobby or maybe there's not enough local photographers willing to write books about their experience or offer their insights but there's an army of photoshoppers willing to share. Which is, to me, is inadequate, at least for me.

I mean, are those pro photograpers, Indonesian photographers, unable to find time to write quality books on various subjects? How can it seemed that photographers are more content on showing-off their work -- thus a lot of coffee table photography books -- but not their how-to's? How come you can find image editing books easier than photography books?

I know there are a lot of photographers, Indonesian photographers, that have great works and cool photos. But what about their thoughts? Their taking on some photography subjects?

No wonder you can see a lot of average photos out there on any social networking sites that are photography-centric. Or average photos heavily edited with various techniques and tricks. I must admit that I am amazed at the photos, the amout of work (time, energy, thinking) that were put on that photograph.

But you just can't take any average photo and photoshopped it to be outstanding. That's just be really tedious. Or maybe it can but that'll take a lot of work than doing it right the first place...

Come on you guys! Where's your books?

Day 250: New Gears Mean Broader Options and Creativity Choiches

That's what my decision based on when I bought the Yong Nuo YN-460 universal pin speedlight and later Fotga's wireless radio trigger PT-04TM. But the set you can see here is that I ordered my set with modified 433MHz antenna for farther reach -- which I haven't tested yet.



Now suddenly I was so much into creative lighting using remote strobe and already planning for another set of speedlight+radio receiver which would look like this one! Of course that setup would mean that I need another lightstand and -- just in case -- a couple of light modifiers.

And to spice this post up, below is a result from my using of one speedlight mounted on a standar tripod with bounced lighting and no modifier.

(talent Theresia / makeup Theresia / wardrobe Fajar D / boots model's own)

Hak dan Kewajiban, Ketidakseimbangan Memori...

Mungkin ini alasan saja atau mungkin juga bukan. Mungkin pula bahwa aku juga seperti ini. Betapa sering kita menjumpai orang-orang yang mengingat dengan tepat kapan haknya seharusnya diperoleh atau dilakukan tetapi bisa dengan gampangnya melupakan kewajiban dan tugas? Betapa gampangnya kemudian beralasan lupa mengerjakan karena sedang sibuk padahal orang tersebut memiliki waktu luang PADA JAM KERJA untuk mengerjakan hal lain yang berorientasi pada keinginan/kebutuhan pribadi semata?

Betapa ada orang yang harus ditanyakan kemajuan suatu pekerjaan baru dengan sigap mengeluarkan telepon seluler dan berkata akan menghubungi orang di sebelah sana untuk koordinasi padahal dia telah hampir setengah jam berbincang-bincang denganku membicarakan hal-hal yang tak berkaitan dengan pekerjaan sama sekali? Bagaimana pula bahwa kejadian ini berlalu sampai berminggu-minggu padahal sudah bukan cuma sekali aku harus bertanya soal kemajuan pekerjaannya sebelum dia mulai bekerja? Bagaimana pula kalau orang tersebut sudah ditegur berkali-kali saat berdua saja dan bahkan di depan koleganya?

Betapa aku tidak capek dalam pikiran karena bila semuanya melambat atau mengalami gangguan dan masalah lainnya karena abainya pihak-pihak lain maka semuanya akan dilimpahkan kepadaku untuk membereskannya dan diharapkan aku bisa dan harus bisa menyelesaikannya sementara mereka yang abai dan cuai bisa dengan tanpa rasa bersalah sama sekali melanjutkan hari-hari seperti biasa bahkan tak mendapatkan teguran?

Betapa aku tak capek menghadapi orang-orang yang selain abai juga tak mau belajar bahkan tak merasa tidak tahu? Atau bahkan setelah mengetahui kalau mereka tidak tahu mereka dengan gampangnya mengabaikan tugas dengan alasan "tidak tahu" kemudian malah duduk bersama-sama mengobrol hal-hal lain, bukannya mencoba mencari tahu? Mencoba memecahkan masalah?

Betapa aku tidak merasa lelah karena dianggap suka memerintah dan tidak punya perasaan hanya mendelegasikan pekerjaan ke orang lain lalu setiap hari bertanya soal kemajuan pekerjaan tersebut? Apakah cara bertanyaku yang salah atau apa?

Mengapa ketika diberi kebebasan untuk pulang lebih awal di bulan puasa, semuanya berebut pulang dan mengabaikan bahwa ada pekerjaan dan tugas yang sebenarnya bisa diselesaikan hari itu malah ditinggalkan karena adalah "hak" mereka untuk pulang lebih awal?

Mengapa ketika diperingatkan soal tugas dan pekerjaan yang belum selesai malah terlihat rasa tidak senang dan ketidaksukaan telah diingatkan?

Lalu entah mengapa aku malah membahas semua ini padahal mungkin saja aku mengalami ketidakseimbangan memori dan ini hanyalah sebentuk upaya pembenaran diri sendiri.

I Guess That's One Down

There's a lot happened already. Problems, problems, and more problems. Hurt my head. Hurt my feelings. Nothing positive coming out of this. Some of the times I felt worse because actually I am fooling others, I am fooling myself, and I am fooling God. At least the latter part, I pretend to be fooling Him.

So that's it. After years of working and splurging, experiencing a lot and missing a lot more, high times and low, I am officially broke.

That one experience alone is worth more. I know how helpless one could feel about that. How much money can influence the quality of my life. How was it affecting me, my choices, my actions, etc.

From training myself to be more positive and outwardly, it changed me to the extreme reversion. Such is the power of money. I hope I would never be encountering the same problem again or else I'd be losing my sanity [hyperbole intended].

After -- at least I think I did -- tackled that one problem down, I have another one: to change my spending habit. This one is really hard and I mean, REALLY HARD. I hope I could, though.

While I'm at it, I guess the other one is to confront the result of my own doing a few months ago. This one is as hard as it may be.

God, help me to be able to speak this one out.

Day 240: Apa Kemungkinan Terburuknya?

Begitulah pertanyaanku ke diri sendiri.

Maka aku memberanikan diri mengirim sebuah pesan lewat situs jejaring sosial terkenal ke seorang fotografer profesional yang bekerja untuk sebuah raksasa media di nusantara yang banyak menerbitkan berbagai majalah lisensi.

Biarpun aku berusaha mengirimkan pesan sesingkat mungkin, tetap saja aku rasa agak melantur. Aku mulai dengan pembukaan berupa upaya mengingatkan -- yang mungkin sia-sia karena dua kali pertemuan kami singkat saja -- kapan dan dimana kami pernah bersilangan jalan. Lalu kusebutkan alasan mengirim pesan, yaitu melihat karya fotografi terakhirnya di sebuah majalah yang baru saja kubeli kemarin. Kuakui aku tak mencoba memuji fotonya di situ karena aku merasa karya-karyanya yang lain masih lebih bagus dan menarik buatku (pendapat dan selera pribadi).

Terakhir, tentu saja, untuk memancing jawabannya (kalau dia mau menjawab) adalah melontarkan pertanyaan tentang lokasi fotonya yang dipasang sebagai foto profil.

Setelah itu aku menekan tombol "Kirim Pesan".

Lalu aku langsung menulis post ini untuk alasan sederhana: melampiaskan kelegaanku karena akhirnya mau mencoba menghubungi orang yang (beberapa) karyanya menyadarkanku kalau di Indonesia orang juga punya kemampuan sama (atau melebihi) kemampuan orang luar negeri -- such a very loose term.

Yang sekarang kulakukan adalah meneruskan aktivitas seperti biasa dan melupakan satu hal ini. Bila ada jawaban dari beliau, bagus. Bila tidak, setidaknya aku sudah mencoba lebih aktif lagi.

If I could, and you can see, I'm patting my back right now and both of us smiling broadly.

Di Tepi Sungai Piedra Aku Duduk dan Menangis -- Paulo Coelho

Jika kepedihan harus datang, biarlah ia datang dengan cepat. Karena aku memiliki kehidupan, dan aku harus menjalaninya dengan sebaik-baiknya. Kalau ia harus membuat pilihan, biarlah ia melakukannya sekarang. Dengan begitu aku bisa menunggu atau melupakan dirinya.

Menunggu sangatlah menyakitkan. Melupakan amatlah menyakitkan. Namun tidak mengetahui apa yang harus dilakukan adalah penderitaan yang paling menyakitkan.

Di suatu sudut di hatiku, aku merasa Ia mendengarkan permohonanku.