You see, my real intention is to make a post about something that sound optimistic.
But given the things happen lately, it became harder to make one. Especially since I decided to stop doing my one hobby for a while. Yeah, that's right.
If you follow most of my post, you'll realize that how much I love photography. A lot of time and resource I already spent in this area. A lot of new friends I get from doing this hobby. A fun-loving community I joined in which we all laugh together. New places I visit that I don't think will ever be in my life if it wasn't for the hobby.
But right now I am stuck. I am in a dead end and the one and only way I came has been blocked by an avalance.
I am stuck in photography because I felt that I am already at the limit of my skill, creativity, and ability.
Which is why I thought that I need a hard reset by not doing any photography -- that is touching my camera and shoot some pictures -- at all. Yes, I still bring my travel weary Nikon D50 everywhere with the attached MF 50mm f/1.4 lens. But I rarely take hold it in my hand, much less taking pictures.
It's been almost a week and I already felt losing something that was really big in my life. I didn't know that my decision of leaving photography would really hurt my feelings. I felt an intense crave to take pictures but everytime I hold my camera and peek through the viewfinder, something came down in my head and block my mind.
I just forget what to shoot, because everything went dark.
My work became a burden. I find no fun in doing any chore and tasks. Eating my favorite dish won't even cheer me up. It used to but now it just don't.
Now here I am, writing this piece of post that I am sure that only a few people care to read -- if any at all.
I once said that it was photography that keep me sane and the one that I held dearly. There are even times when it was the only thing that kept me going through the week: A promise of doing some weekend photography with friends.
But now it just cease to be.
Doing this hobby just hurt me. And I hate getting hurt.
I am stuck. I don't know how to get out. I'm even tired of my life.
I think I am losing myself.
And I had to resist this ugly urge to crawl under a desk, holding my legs up, and hiding from the world.
I don't think I am losing myself. I AM losing it.
=============
Sorry
by Buckcherry
Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same
[Pre-Chorus:]
Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
[Chorus:]
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry:
This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
[Pre-Chorus]
[Chorus]
Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah I'm sorry!
[Chorus]
I'm sorry baby, yeah , I'm sorry