Jembatan

Aku masih ingat -- biarpun tidak detil -- hal-hal yang berulang kali menjadi masalah dalam hubungan kami. Semua hal itu bisa dibagi dalam dua kategori:

1. Hal yang berbeda dalam pribadi kami masing-masing, dan

2. Hal yang kami hindari dan tidak dibicarakan, tetapi ada seperti tembok yang menghalangi.

Aku rasa dia juga tahu. Hanya saja dia tidak sampai kelompokkan seperti pembagian di atas. Atau mungkin dia mengkategorikan hal-hal itu tetapi dengan label yang berbeda.

Yang jelas, dalam hal pertama, aku merasa seperti dikekang. Tidak boleh ini. Tidak disetujui itu. Dilarang begini atau begitu. Kadang aku sampai berpikir, seperti dipenjara! Tentu aku tak bisa perbandingkan dengan penjara dalam artian sebenarnya karena aku tak pernah masuk sel tahanan ataupun lembaga pemasyarakatan.

Tetapi ketidaksukaannya yang eksplisit pada hobiku dan alasannya bahwa aku seperti tidak memprioritaskan hubungan kami. Aku tak tahu bagaimana menjelaskan kepada seseorang yang aku tak tahu punya hobi jelas atau tidak, bahwa yang namanya hobi memang kadang bisa menguasai seseorang sampai berkali-kali menomorduakan pasangannya. Mungkin, seandainya saja dia mulai benar-benar menekuni sebuah hobi yang menuntut upaya dan kreasi, kreativitas, energi, waktu, dan uang, mungkin pada saat itu dia bisa mengerti.

Sementara ini? Aku tak yakin dia bakal paham.

Aku punya pikiran sendiri dan akhir-akhir ini daripada bicara, aku lebih memilih diam dan berpikir. Aku bisa menghabiskan berjam-jam perjalanan dengan seorang supir, berdua saja dalam mobil kantor, menuju lokasi, dan aku tak akan bicara sepatah katapun. Tapi lebih baik diam, menurutku, daripada bicarakan hal yang tak aku minati, ketika aku lebih memilih bergelut dengan pikiranku sendiri.

Sedangkan mengenai hal kedua. Aku tahu dia tahu tapi dia tetap tak mau bicarakan. Itu pilihannya. Itu keputusannya. Seperti menunda dan menghindar. Topik sensitif yang akan menarik kami menuju kutub masing-masing, memisahkan kami begitu jauh sampai, kuharap tidak, kami akan berpisah.

Aku butuh jembatan. Sesuatu yang akan bisa menghubungkan perbedaan kami.

Atau lebih baik, aku belajar menjadi jembatan itu. Resikonya adalah, bila gagal, kami akan terpisahkan...

Day 270: Life Is As Good As What You Make Of It

It is two in the morning and everybody's asleep. Well, that's almost everybody, because if you can read this post that only mean that I am not sleeping, not yet, anyway. I did not want to sleep because when I sleep it will be Your face that I see, it will be Your face that I will be dream of. So, instead of a slumber, I chose to keep myself awake.

Someone I overheard saying that Life is as good as what one would make of but maybe I just didn't buy it. I mean, if there's always this perpetual feeling that things could be -- or should I say must be -- getting much better, why does it seem that for me at least that everything has come to a halt, being stagnant (if I couldn't say that it's getting worse and worsen), depressingly routine. It is hard to believe and hold on some optimistic point of view when every facts you have point on the other way.

I shouldn't be saying this -- or in this case, wrote about this -- but this need to write something on this wee hour is so great that I must write. Something. Before I will myself to sleep. Facing You again, in Your own domain, Your dwelling place. And there is nothing that prepare me to another encounter with You.

There is light and there is Light, but there is Dark also.

I just don't know what You represent. Not yet, anyway.

Day 250: New Gears Mean Broader Options and Creativity Choiches

That's what my decision based on when I bought the Yong Nuo YN-460 universal pin speedlight and later Fotga's wireless radio trigger PT-04TM. But the set you can see here is that I ordered my set with modified 433MHz antenna for farther reach -- which I haven't tested yet.



Now suddenly I was so much into creative lighting using remote strobe and already planning for another set of speedlight+radio receiver which would look like this one! Of course that setup would mean that I need another lightstand and -- just in case -- a couple of light modifiers.

And to spice this post up, below is a result from my using of one speedlight mounted on a standar tripod with bounced lighting and no modifier.

(talent Theresia / makeup Theresia / wardrobe Fajar D / boots model's own)

Day 120: I'm Not Okay With The Silence

I don't mind waiting as long as there is sun,

brightly shine and sometimes blinding,

if you just promise.

Even if it's a lie,

that you will come back home.

==============================

These are hard times.

And it's even harder to put on masks.

To wear faces to assure those around me,

that all's allright and work's well.

Some moments I spend in silence,

but only when I'm sure that there's

no one around to see if I should have

one or two teardrops for you.

These are hard times,

harder when I realize I made you,

A Promise.

Just a simple thing to do yet taking me,

just a lot strength of will to not to.

Because I made you a promise.

So I became silent.

And when I want to leave the light on,

I can't sleep, can't rest.

Because it is silent. Too silent.

And if I turn off the light,

the darkness is not a friend anymore.

But I stay silent.

These are hard times,

these are the times of the midnight sun.

These are hard times.

But I'll fool anyone.

Anyone but you.