Jembatan

Aku masih ingat -- biarpun tidak detil -- hal-hal yang berulang kali menjadi masalah dalam hubungan kami. Semua hal itu bisa dibagi dalam dua kategori:

1. Hal yang berbeda dalam pribadi kami masing-masing, dan

2. Hal yang kami hindari dan tidak dibicarakan, tetapi ada seperti tembok yang menghalangi.

Aku rasa dia juga tahu. Hanya saja dia tidak sampai kelompokkan seperti pembagian di atas. Atau mungkin dia mengkategorikan hal-hal itu tetapi dengan label yang berbeda.

Yang jelas, dalam hal pertama, aku merasa seperti dikekang. Tidak boleh ini. Tidak disetujui itu. Dilarang begini atau begitu. Kadang aku sampai berpikir, seperti dipenjara! Tentu aku tak bisa perbandingkan dengan penjara dalam artian sebenarnya karena aku tak pernah masuk sel tahanan ataupun lembaga pemasyarakatan.

Tetapi ketidaksukaannya yang eksplisit pada hobiku dan alasannya bahwa aku seperti tidak memprioritaskan hubungan kami. Aku tak tahu bagaimana menjelaskan kepada seseorang yang aku tak tahu punya hobi jelas atau tidak, bahwa yang namanya hobi memang kadang bisa menguasai seseorang sampai berkali-kali menomorduakan pasangannya. Mungkin, seandainya saja dia mulai benar-benar menekuni sebuah hobi yang menuntut upaya dan kreasi, kreativitas, energi, waktu, dan uang, mungkin pada saat itu dia bisa mengerti.

Sementara ini? Aku tak yakin dia bakal paham.

Aku punya pikiran sendiri dan akhir-akhir ini daripada bicara, aku lebih memilih diam dan berpikir. Aku bisa menghabiskan berjam-jam perjalanan dengan seorang supir, berdua saja dalam mobil kantor, menuju lokasi, dan aku tak akan bicara sepatah katapun. Tapi lebih baik diam, menurutku, daripada bicarakan hal yang tak aku minati, ketika aku lebih memilih bergelut dengan pikiranku sendiri.

Sedangkan mengenai hal kedua. Aku tahu dia tahu tapi dia tetap tak mau bicarakan. Itu pilihannya. Itu keputusannya. Seperti menunda dan menghindar. Topik sensitif yang akan menarik kami menuju kutub masing-masing, memisahkan kami begitu jauh sampai, kuharap tidak, kami akan berpisah.

Aku butuh jembatan. Sesuatu yang akan bisa menghubungkan perbedaan kami.

Atau lebih baik, aku belajar menjadi jembatan itu. Resikonya adalah, bila gagal, kami akan terpisahkan...

Heaven Sent, That's What I Call Ya!

Some folks that know me personally would probably could acknowledge that I like a lot of music. Pop, rock, hip-hop, jazz, blues, metal, electronic (not much), and even local music such as dangdut. Yes, maybe sang some dangdut for a change probably have good effect. Or not.

But there is this one band that I like ever since I was a small kid in a small town surrounded by the jungle of Sumatra. I don't know and don't remember when was the first time I heard their music but even years afterwards I can still enjoy their music. This one (rock?) band from down under I'd like to prefer as legendary but some might argue about this title.

No, it's not Bee Gees although a few of their singles do catch on on me. I'm talking about INXS here. Yes, I guess you'd probably never heard of them or can't even remember their reality show a couple of years back when the remaining member of the band held an audition for a new lead vocalist -- because the last one commit a suicide. Rest In Peace, MH.

No, this post not have any point at all other than that I'm feeling nostalgic today as I played their greatest hits album on my disc player, enjoying the vocal, the sound, and eagerly await for the last song in the list, the once-hot-hit-single, Beautiful Girl.

Rusting, Skill Not Put In Use

It had been a long while since last I did some stage photography, the thing that I like most among the object of photography. Come to think about it, a LONG while indeed.

That's my thought when I went through, selecting and deleting the hundreds of shots I took on two consecutive event that I photographed. My thought was that my photos look so ordinary that any person with a similar gears would have taken them. That idea really hurt my pride, you know.

But what can I say? I thought I got skills to do stage photography but now I doubt that I even have it in the first place, seeing all the photos I took. A lot of them are missed focus because I point the focusing bracket at the wrong subject. A lot of them are blurred because I had the inappropriate shutter speed. A lot of them are not properly exposed because I set the exposure compensation wrong. And many of them are composed poorly.

I even realize that I used to be active, walking and trying various spots for some shot, constantly moving to get the best shot. But these last two event, I just stand pretty much on the same place and took shots. Even after I reviewed them and I realize they're not even decently good, I stayed on the spot. Which actually was a bad decision.

Now, all I can do is one thing: PRACTICE MORE.

How else can I be responsible to the one type of photography that I like most?

Now, when will another event coming?

What's Keeping Me Going?

Lately my work just kind of sucks which made me feel guilty. A lot of other Indonesian are jobless. Even one of my friend got fired from the international company which he had worked for for the last three years.

Me? I'm still working and earning my share that keep me from asking for bail out from my parents. For that, I am suppose to be grateful right?

But here I am, cursing some part of my job.

I had to remind myself again and again to contain it.

Thankfully I have a hobby that can keep my negative auras away. Everytime I had scheduled a hunting, my spirit soar up with anticipation. Like this one time. A friend emailed me that he'll contact me if the shooting he arranged for tommorrow continue as planned.

Eventhough that'll mean that I have to skip a day's work. I try not to think about that. Not now. All I can do is to cross my fingers.