Day 150+1: Not Really A Post

Di luar mendung padahal aku masih menjemur sepatu keds dan sendal-sendal gunungku. Terus masih mengangin-anginkan sepatu-sepatu kulitku yang baru saja kubersihkan dan kusemir. Aku mau pergi ke barber langgananku untuk merapikan rambut -- terutama bagian cambang yang sudah mulai tumbuh liar dan ikal. Tapi melihat mendung di luar, aku ragu untuk melanjutkan rencanaku. Malas kehujanannya itu lho.

Anyway, seperti kebiasaanku akhir-akhir ini, sekali lagi aku melewatkan kesempatan menulis post sesuai jadwal rencana 5-harian aku. Jadi semakin malu saja pada diri sendiri. Aku sungguh tidak bisa konsisten pada diri sendiri. He he he..

Sudahlah, begitu banyak yang masih harus dilakukan.

Oh ya, lensa Nikkor MF 28mm f/3.5 dan EL-Nikkor 80mm f/5.6 ini mau kuapain ya?

Day 145: Counting Down The Days

I think that my camera are nearing the end of its days.

A few times already my shutter got stucked and jammed and the LCD flashing the word "Err". At first I thought that that was just some minor glitch. But now I thought that it wasn't.

If you familiar with SLRs, you should know the term "shutter count". Every camera has its standard for shutter count, according to the lab test of the manufacture. Now that I have reached more than 40,000 clicks on my shutter, it normally would show signs of deterioration; of malfunctioning; because like all mechanical gadget, things wore down in due time.

And now I think that my camera already showing signs. Of its death.

I must start to save for the repair fee. Of the components and spare parts price. And I must ask Alta for the price and time required to repair the shutter release.

Ouch.

Day 140: Aku dan Semua Yang Terluka Karena Cinta

mencoba mendefinisikan cinta,

ada berapa banyak orang yang sudah mencoba melakukannya?

termasuk aku.

seseorang pernah bertanya padaku,

"menurutmu, apa itu cinta?"

aku mencoba memberikan jawaban filosofis,

jawaban yang terdengar intelek dan berkualitas,

tapi yang keluar hanyalah rangkaian kata,

yang tak punya arti maupun integritas.

aku tergagap dan aku gagal.

sekarang aku cuma tahu,

cinta cukup dirasakan saja.

aku tak mau jadi bodoh dua kali,

mencoba mendefinisikan cinta dalam batasan,

yang gampang berubah seiring waktu.

bila aku pernah luka karena cinta,

semoga tak ada orang yang tahu,

tak ada orang yang melihatnya,

karena bagiku luka seperti itu sebaiknya,

dirawat dan disembuhkan dalam ruangan pribadi.

bila kau pernah luka karena cintaku,

bila kau pernah luka karena merasa kucintai,

biarlah kubiarkan kau dalam tanya,

sedalam apakah lukaku sendiri.

and it's getting into my nerve too

that i missed my 130th-day post.

i need something. to. channel. out. angst.

or i probably just need a lot of sleep.

Day 135: I Thought That I Am Special..

In fact, it turned out, much to my bitter feelings, that I am no one.

Like chanting, "I am no one, I am nothing."

And I felt that all my life, I could never achieved first position in anything.

It turned out that maybe I am here, alive and breathing, so others can have cproof, someone to refer to, when they want to spell:

F-A-I-L-U-R-E

I thought that I am special but maybe I am here so others can look at me and feel better about themselves.

Maybe God is a joker.

Another Scheduled Post Missed...

What is really happening to me? Why does it seemed that I intentionally neglecting the 5th-day blogpost schedule? Am I becoming lazy and lazier? (I don't know if "lazier" exists in English)

Whatever the reason is, I should be keeping my commitment to myself otherwise how can I say that I am not cheating to myself?

Mungkin Salahku Melewatkanmu

Sesal takkan ada arti karena semua t'lah terjadi.

.

.

.

Maafkan aku.

==================================

I wish I could say the same to myself. I wish I could say that I regret this. But then again, I am not. So why bother anyway. Just live on and keep on walking for whatever that lay behind me is already in my past.

I wish I could made you a poem. I wish I could write you a song. I wish I could paint you a picture.

But I am not all of that because I am not in any kind of an artist.

I wish I could say that I made this up. But right now, I don't even know how to separate my imagination from my reality.

I wish I could buy you things.

I wish I could protect you from harm.

I wish I could always be there everytime you need me.

I wish I was all that but I am not.

I just wish I never wrote this piece but then again I wish I did.

Day 125: Finding What?

There I was, on another trip through the backside, driving alone, like I always do.

And I thought it'd be nice if only I knew the reason why I drove through there in the first place.

What was I really try to find?

What was there to find?

Am I or am I not? Was I or was I not?

What? Where? Which? Who?

WHAT?