Day 120: I'm Not Okay With The Silence

I don't mind waiting as long as there is sun,

brightly shine and sometimes blinding,

if you just promise.

Even if it's a lie,

that you will come back home.

==============================

These are hard times.

And it's even harder to put on masks.

To wear faces to assure those around me,

that all's allright and work's well.

Some moments I spend in silence,

but only when I'm sure that there's

no one around to see if I should have

one or two teardrops for you.

These are hard times,

harder when I realize I made you,

A Promise.

Just a simple thing to do yet taking me,

just a lot strength of will to not to.

Because I made you a promise.

So I became silent.

And when I want to leave the light on,

I can't sleep, can't rest.

Because it is silent. Too silent.

And if I turn off the light,

the darkness is not a friend anymore.

But I stay silent.

These are hard times,

these are the times of the midnight sun.

These are hard times.

But I'll fool anyone.

Anyone but you.

OMG These People Sucks!

kesal, jengkel, emosi, ngehadapin orang-2 kaya tai gini!!!!

semua isi kebon binatang lah pokoknya!!!!

Day 115: I Tried To, But It's Just So Damn Hard

You see, my real intention is to make a post about something that sound optimistic.

But given the things happen lately, it became harder to make one. Especially since I decided to stop doing my one hobby for a while. Yeah, that's right.

If you follow most of my post, you'll realize that how much I love photography. A lot of time and resource I already spent in this area. A lot of new friends I get from doing this hobby. A fun-loving community I joined in which we all laugh together. New places I visit that I don't think will ever be in my life if it wasn't for the hobby.

But right now I am stuck. I am in a dead end and the one and only way I came has been blocked by an avalance.

I am stuck in photography because I felt that I am already at the limit of my skill, creativity, and ability.

Which is why I thought that I need a hard reset by not doing any photography -- that is touching my camera and shoot some pictures -- at all. Yes, I still bring my travel weary Nikon D50 everywhere with the attached MF 50mm f/1.4 lens. But I rarely take hold it in my hand, much less taking pictures.

It's been almost a week and I already felt losing something that was really big in my life. I didn't know that my decision of leaving photography would really hurt my feelings. I felt an intense crave to take pictures but everytime I hold my camera and peek through the viewfinder, something came down in my head and block my mind.

I just forget what to shoot, because everything went dark.

My work became a burden. I find no fun in doing any chore and tasks. Eating my favorite dish won't even cheer me up. It used to but now it just don't.

Now here I am, writing this piece of post that I am sure that only a few people care to read -- if any at all.

I once said that it was photography that keep me sane and the one that I held dearly. There are even times when it was the only thing that kept me going through the week: A promise of doing some weekend photography with friends.

But now it just cease to be.

Doing this hobby just hurt me. And I hate getting hurt.

I am stuck. I don't know how to get out. I'm even tired of my life.

I think I am losing myself.

And I had to resist this ugly urge to crawl under a desk, holding my legs up, and hiding from the world.

I don't think I am losing myself. I AM losing it.

=============

Sorry

by Buckcherry

Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away

I missed you and things weren't the same

[Pre-Chorus:]

Cause everything inside it never comes out right

And when I see you cry it makes me want to die

[Chorus:]

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all the things I said to you

And I know I can't take it back

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round

And I just wanted to say I'm sorry:

This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days

You get older and blame turns to shame

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

Every single day I think about how we came all this way

The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right

Oh yeah I'm sorry!

[Chorus]

I'm sorry baby, yeah , I'm sorry

Day 110: The Bleakest Period Of My Life

Talk to me softly / There is something in your eyes / Don't hang your head in sorrow

And please don't cry /I know how you feel inside / I've been there before
Somethin is changin' inside you / And don't you know
.

.

.

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight
.

.

.

Give me a whisper / And give me a sign / Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye / Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you / And the times we had...baby
.

.

.

You gotta make it your own way / But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow / Come the morning light now baby

=======

I still don't know what to say.  But all I know that it was all my fault. The only thing left to do now is learning from this.

Maybe I am not worthy of anything and God just made me here to be an example of bad judgement in life, love, and relationship.

I am sorry, L.

I am sorry, M.

Day 105: I Don't Think Your Company Is THAT Great

Today I represent my company on a meeting with board of directors of a -- supposedly and self-acclaimed -- largest national company in this specific field of business.

Basically, the directors asked us, their partners, to be patient for a little while for their bank gave them the money to pay us all.

Well, Mr. X, after hearing all your sweet talking for half an hour and hear your CFO's explanantion which include some mumbling, I thought that your company is not THAT great.

That proves my point of view: Some people made it through with a little help by being boastful.

Day 100: (I Do Hope This To Be) Alive And Kicking!

Again, I missed my 95th Day periodical blog post!

This thing of keeping up with my commitment for a five-day-periodical post is beginning to feel hard to keep. But I wish I can do it.

There's just so much thing going on in my mind that I want to write down but somehow I just can't do it. Maybe this one is up for an update for later.

Just Give Me A Bad Mood

And I'll end up NOT DOING work and instead wasting my day cursing and hating the cause and getting angry at people.

Just like today.

I know that this making me look stupid and childish and emotionally imbalanced (or unbalanced?) which is not a quality that people look after for -- plus people will look down on me.

So this tantrums got to end. I probably have to find a way to positively channel my emotion by not hurting other people. Maybe that's why I have this blog.

God, I wish I don't lash out at people like that.

Look me here stupid. Idiot. Imbecile.

A New DIY Project?

IMG_4583, originally uploaded by digital_dave_ia.

I don't really know it yet but this one project seemed fun and do-able. I just have to figure out the materials needed that was sturdy enough but light and most importantly: CHEAP.

A list of materials (might be growing with time) and tools :

-- a can or two of black spray paint

-- a couple of rolls of alumunium foils

-- a DSLR

-- glue and sticky tape

-- cutting knife and scissors

Now, I still have no idea for the dish. Cardboard? No, too thin.

Day 90+1: I Missed One Periodical Post!

I just realize that I missed one five-day periodical blogpost! What now the step that I can do to make justice?

Sigh.

Must be my mentally ill condition with stuff running around in my head making me unable to do anything positive and fruitful.

Rats.