Day 365-1: What Was That Again?

I have to convince myself that times and things will improve to the better side. Wishful thinking it may be but that must be sufficient enough to keep going on.

Not even 48 hours to 2010 and I am still feeling that times just get worse and worse. Or have I just imagining things?

I know that I still posses next to nothing about skill on image editing, much less in photography, especially portrait. In short: I still suck.



Take a look at that picture. What's good about it? I don't know. I don't even know why I chose to upload this one among many other so-so pictures of her. Maybe because I am short on imagination? A big MAYBE.

Anyway, I fervently hope that 2010 will be better, a lot of opportunities arise, good surprises and better fortunes, and everything working out with my girlfriend.

In case this is my last post this 2009:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Day 360-1: When Was That?

When was that actually, the last time I spent time with my whole family on a Christmas eve -- or make itu Christmas Day?

Try as hard as I could, I could remember any precise moment or year right now, that I was among my sisters, brother, and parents.

Today, another Christmas, is another event that I am not among my family. In this shopping mall, among this crowd, I am alone.

Now wouldn't that make me look weird? Of all the tables here none of them were occupied by a single person, except mine. I must be looking weird, writing this post.

Ah, I just try not to care.



At least I know there is God that's always with me and LC who'll be thinking of me if she's not sleeping. Ah, the sleeping beauty.

Day 350-1: Don't Believe Anything You Hear Even When It Come From The One You Trust The Most

Use your own logic too. Nuff' said.

Melakukan Kesalahan Yang Sama

Membaca berita olahraga tentang timnas sepakbola kita, yang tak juga mencuat prestasinya, dengan pola pelatihan yang sejak hampir limabelas tahun yang lalu masih begitu-begitu saja, membuat hati miris. Coba bayangkan saja kalau sejak dari zaman PSSI Primavera pertengahan tahun 90-an sampai sekarang tetap saja solusi pembinaan pemain usia muda adalah dengan mengirimkan keluar negeri.

Bahkan setelah berkali-kali tak ada prestasi yang mencuat tetap saja PSSI mengirimkan pemain-pemain muda untuk berlatih keluar. Aneh.

Tapi tidak juga, kalau dipikir-pikir lagi. Aku juga melakukan kesalahan yang sama. Seringkali malah. Sampai seperti lagu band Kerispatih. Tentu saja yang mereka nyanyikan adalah tentang kesalahan yang sama sehingga menimbulkan persoalan cinta. Ha ha ha...





Seperti memfoto produk seperti ini. Bahkan setelah beberapa kali percobaan aku tetap masih melakukan kesalahan yang sama. Entah itu lighting fall-off yang kurang tepat. Entah itu background yang kurang rapi.

Artinya memang aku tahu aku seharusnya membuat catatan teknis tentang foto-foto yang kulakukan dan kuhasilkan agar tidak mengulang lagi dari awal. Jadi bila memfoto helm aku sudah punya setting pencahayaan yang default sebagai titik awal memulai. Nah bila hasil review foto dirasakan kurang memuaskan maka segeralah bisa dilakukan perubahan.

Tapi dasar aku bodohnya melebihi keledai. Tetap saja aku mengulang dari awal. Tetap saja memikirkan lagi dari awal apa dan bagaimana setting lampu yang harus dilakukan bila itu helmet, shoes, jacket, dan lainnya.

Ingatkan aku untuk berubah karena aku orang yang keras kepala.

Day 345-1: Berbeda Tetapi Tetap Satu

Aku ingin percaya kalau perbedaan fisik tidak mempengaruhi penilaian orang atas siapa diri kita. Aku ingin orang memilih menilai orang lain berdasarkan karakter orang tersebut dan bukan tampilan fisiknya saja.
Aku ingin orang yang secara fisik menarik mendapatkan perlakuan yang sama dengan orang yang kurang menarik secara fisik.

Tapi aku hanya orang bodoh yang bermimpi akan utopia.



Sudah sejak dulu, dalam proses evolusi, nenek-moyang manusia menilai dan berpegang pada kesan pertama yang ditampilkan dan itu adalah tampilan fisik seseorang. Itulah salah satu cara untuk bertahan hidup spesies kita. Itu natural.

Biarpun hal ini berpotensi besar menjadi sumber ketidakadilan tetapi tak ada yang bisa disalahkan karena menuruti nalurinya.

Namun tentu saja tidak ada salahnya juga untuk tetap percaya bahwa biarpun kita berbeda-beda (suku, agama dan kepercayaan, ras, golongan, bentuk fisik) tetapi kita tetap bisa bersatu dalam tujuan, cita-cita, dan idealisme yang sama.

Day 340-1: A Lotta Books!

As for last week I got a bunch of opportunities for stage photography, this week I'm overwhelmed by books! A whole lotta books!

I just bought Nagabumi I (yes it is the first book of I do not know how many) by Seno Gumira Ajidarma. Being published by Gramedia, I hope that it won't be one of many series that the sequel never get to print because the first book's selling was not that many. I remember a lot of titles but I'm not sure those were Gramedia's published books.

And yes it cost me more than a hundred thousand rupiahs because it was a hardcover edition which remind me of Senopati Pamungkas and Musashi and Taiko from the same publishing company. I do have the intention to collect those titles yet somehow I never passed the initial barrier of holding the book on my hand in a bookstore.

Boy I just wish Mr. Ajidarma wrote this one really well and the publishing company do printed the sequel otherwise I would send them hatemails! Spams! I'd even willing to allocate time to make online threats!




Of course she has nothing to do with the book I mentioned above but a post without an accompanying picture is live a vegetable without salt. (Er, am I saying the right expression?)

Flashback To A Week Of Live Music Performance

Yupes. Last week I saw a lot of live performance from various artists, bands, etc., that you might see regularly on TV or hear on the radio (but some are not -- more on that later).

So right now no wonder I felt kind of tired and actually the weekend didn't really mean time to rest like the rest of you folks might usually do.

On Wednesday, a friend of mine gave me the opportunity to shot some photos on MTV Indonesia Awards 2009 (a music award program for local artists) and boy! did I have fun there. Actually I'm kind of embarassed to admit this but this one actress is what drove me to the scene.



Arumi looks gorgeous in her gown -- in the red carpet which I didn't provide here -- and in this girly softball outfit she looked really cute. Omigosh now I sound like a pervert.

The other artists I want to see is the famed (now non-exist) peterpan. This was the first time I see them live on stage. Right now I'm eagerly waiting for their first album in their new formation and using their new name. 2010 that is.

And of course, one did not forget to mention Superman Is Dead. They rule the stage!



Well, on Saturday, I went to JCC Senayan to the Final Round of Djarum Black Autoblackthrough 2009, again to take pictures of some female artist that was scheduled to perform there. To my surprise, they listed Bunga Citra Lestari and Agnes Monica for that day and kept Aura Kasih for Sunday. Hell yeah! That'd be the second time in a week that I watch Agnes Monica perform live. And the second time to see her perform live too.

But there's some problem with the lighting setup on the stage so I only post here a picture of BCL.



Thus, seeing BCL and Agnes Monica on Saturday, my mind is set to CHARITINDIE on Score! Citos on Sunday. Of course there are two reasons I went there and forgetting Aura Kasih on Autoblackthrough: Superglad and Seringai!

I had fun -- real fun -- on this one week. Watched Superglad, S.I.D., and Seringai. Not to mention Bunga Citra Lestari and Agnes Monica.

Now, if only there was KOIL too...

Overheard: "Nging Nging Nging"

Di suatu tempat penjualan dvd dan mp3 (bajakan) di Tangerang, ada dua orang pemuda seumuran SMU, sedang sibuk memilah-milah CD di bagian mp3 artis dalam negeri.

Mungkin karena tak menemukan yang mereka cari, seorang dari mereka menanyakan ke penjaga stand, "Mbak, yang Pee Wee Gaskins ada gak?"

"Ada kok," kata si Mbak sigap.

"Mbak tahu kan Pee Wee Gaskins?" desak si pemuda, seakan tak percaya pada pengetahuan si Mbak Penjaga atas barang dagangannya.



"Tahu dong, yang musiknya nging nging nging itu kan?" kata si Mbak sambil tersenyum.

Aku menoleh dan melihat ekspresi muka kedua ABG itu lalu tertawa terbahak-bahak.

Headache And Heartache

Here's what bother me.

My own future.

I have this deep-rooting FUD that later in my life I'd regret the choices I made. Sometimes I asked myself that is this is all that's into it? Is this is what I can get from life. The most of my life?

I don't know and I -- like a lot of other people -- fear whatever thing that was -- or is -- beyond my grasp of understanding.

Day 315+1: Some Notes About The Lost Symbol

Let me quote a part first:

Only through the death experience could man fully understand his life experience. Only through the realization that his days on earth were finite could he grasp the importance of living those days with honor, integrity, and service to his fellow man.

Now wouldn't that be a surprise? I always have this thought that by depriving or losing or taken away from you, you'd value what you got and already have and probably will still be having.

And by the last part (honor, integrity, and service), that'd be what I really want to see from a lot of people. Man, wouldn't that'd be nice?

Crush Love

Call this a delightful coincidence. Sebenarnya tadi malam aku menuju sebuah mall dengan satu tujuan di dalam pikiranku, mencari album Gondrong Kribo Bersaudara yang pada wiken kemaren aku lihat dipajang di rak sebuah toko buku terkenal di daerah Kemang. Sebenarnya, cover albumnyalah yang menarik perhatianku dan seperti biasanya, pada saat itu aku memutuskan menunda dulu pembelian sebelum sedikit googling untuk mencari sekedar gambaran latar belakang band ini.



Band baru, tentu saja, seperti hal baru lainnya, tidak dengan gampang kubeli karyanya. Aku harus merasakan dulu, mencicipi, seperti apa sebenarnya "isi" mereka.

Lalu pada malam itu aku mendengar sebuah cuplikan lagu rock berbahasa Indonesia yang catchy diiklankan di sebuah stasiun radio khas Betawi. Sepertinya band ini menyenangkan, pikirku. Lalu pada saat aku mendengar nama band itu disebutkan, aku merasa seperti ini pertanda untuk membeli album mereka.

Di tokok CD di mall tersebut, aku mencari dan mencari lalu menemukan album mereka terselip di rak CD artis Indonesia, satu-satunya copy di tempat itu. Hooray! Aku ambil dan langsung menuju kasir.

Tapi dalam perjalanan, saat mataku menyapukan pandangan ke rak CD artis rock/metal luar negeri, ada sebuah cover album yang (lagi-lagi) menarik perhatianku. Bayangkan terkejutnya aku, ketika mengambil album tersebut dari rak dan melihat nama artisnya. Album studio terbaru dari afi! Cihuy dobel!

Buat kalian yang tak tahu, afi (afireinside) adalah band punk rock luar idolaku sejak pertama kali aku dengar hampir sepuluh tahun yang lalu.

Lalu yang aku lakukan sekarang adalah menikmati album afi terbaru sambil menikmati sebuah minuman kocok di salah satu coffee shop favoritku.

Jadinya aku dapat yang aku cari (album GRIBS) dan album terbaru afi....

Heaven Sent, That's What I Call Ya!

Some folks that know me personally would probably could acknowledge that I like a lot of music. Pop, rock, hip-hop, jazz, blues, metal, electronic (not much), and even local music such as dangdut. Yes, maybe sang some dangdut for a change probably have good effect. Or not.

But there is this one band that I like ever since I was a small kid in a small town surrounded by the jungle of Sumatra. I don't know and don't remember when was the first time I heard their music but even years afterwards I can still enjoy their music. This one (rock?) band from down under I'd like to prefer as legendary but some might argue about this title.

No, it's not Bee Gees although a few of their singles do catch on on me. I'm talking about INXS here. Yes, I guess you'd probably never heard of them or can't even remember their reality show a couple of years back when the remaining member of the band held an audition for a new lead vocalist -- because the last one commit a suicide. Rest In Peace, MH.

No, this post not have any point at all other than that I'm feeling nostalgic today as I played their greatest hits album on my disc player, enjoying the vocal, the sound, and eagerly await for the last song in the list, the once-hot-hit-single, Beautiful Girl.

Some Notes About The Lost Symbol, Part 1

WARNING, SPOILER ALERT!

Now let me put some quotes first (I read the Doubleday's hardcover edition):

Chapter 1 page 7
"    The fifty-eight-year-old philantropist, historian, and scientist had taken Langdon under his wing nearly thirty years ago, in many ways filling the void left by Langdon's father's death."

Chapter 3 page 13
"His physique was not quite what it had been in his college days as a water-polo all-American, but he was still lean and toned, respectable for a man in his forties."

Chapter 3 page 14
"    Peter Solomon had been a friend, mentor, and, although only twelve years Langdon's senior, a father figure to him ever since their firts meeting at Princeton University. As a sophomore, Langdon had been required to attend an evening guest lecture by the well-known young historian and philantropist."

= = = = = = = = =

Now you see, if Peter Solomon was twelve years older than Robert Langdon, that made Langdon forty-six-years-old.

They first met around thirty years ago, let's say for the sake of making it simpler, it was twenty-eight-years ago. That means that Solomon was thirty-years-old and Langdon a mere sixteen -- and Langdon was already in sophomore years!

Well, does Mr. Brown tried to make a point that Langdon is a genius (or at the very least, advanced academically?)

How Cool Is Your Siblings

Actually, NOT cool. I have had bad times and worse. My brother can even make a happy morning turned sour or gloom. Such power, wielded in a man's hand.

To think that that guy can ask and make you feel that you have to obey, when actually you're the one who's doing him a favor, now that's a really special power. I just wish that that dude wouldn't abuse it too often.

Oh by the way, big city like Jakarta surely have a lot of people living there, people that maybe at sometimes are so self-centered but not realizing it, that made you felt suffocated. You know you are angry or upset with how some of them treat you but you know that actually they didn't really mean that. It's just that they do what a lot of people did: being unsensitive but mindless about it.

You see, when you have to travel across state border to meet some people, you'd expect the person you're going to meet appreciate your effort, time, and energy you spent to get there. At least to some level. But when you're being told to just wait or being said words like you're disturbing their oh-so-busy-life-and-important-STUFFS-to-do, like you're interrupting some serious business, wouldn't you be questioning what the hell are you even doing there?

Oh I forgot. I just making some unimportant queries that not even need some considerations. Maybe because that I am just a nobody.

Maybe if I am someone, like SOMEONE IMPORTANT, a hot-shot in Jakarta, then -- and ONLY then -- I will get the proper attention (like, minimal?) that (maybe un-) deserved by a man at my state.

That is, the state of nothing?

Stand By Me

"Stand By Me, Nobody Knows The Way It's Gonna Be..."

Is that an adequate thing to say to the one you wish would be there for you when you need that person the most?

How much trust can you give to a person to be there for you, support you, a safe harbour when you are trying to escape a storm?

Can I depend on the person the way that person depend on me?

Day 305+1: The Price of Freedom and Independence

Have you ever give yourself time to think about the price for getting your freedom? The cost to be independent and maintain it?

Being born to a free country, I have always been taking those two for granted. Never give a lot of thought about them. Not until these last decade and even that only a few moments each year as our independence day nearing. Not really much until I got wind up in a strategy game that people played anonymously in the internet.

Yes it is just a game but that game made me realize that in order to thrive, one can not just simply played by oneself and pretend that other players' existence is not really matter. By that game, I was reminded that in order to strengthen one's alliance one must find players with like-minded, same purpose, and share the same goal.

And in hard times one must make decisions that may or may not affect other alliance members well-being but surely could cost one's freedom and independence. Thus was the condition that I must endure to remind me that how high the price of freedom could be. How steep the cost to keep being independent. And how hard is it to represent the greater good if decisions have to be made democratically.

Hah, the burden of being democratic.

But without having a democratic alliance, what good that it'd be? How could I can claim to be the champion of freedom and independent if I was being a dictator? But then again, how can I be even claiming to have forge my alliance to be stronger if I was and still am being farmed by other mightier player with stronger alliance?

Ah, the musing of a man with a lot of spare time to waste.

Memarahi Diri Sendiri

Ternyata memang benar, sekian ratus foto dalam dua kali kesempatan memotret, tak satupun yang memuaskan hati.

Entah itu berarti standarku tambah tinggi -- tapi kemampuanku stagnan -- atau standarku tetap tapi kemampuanku menurun. Tak satu pun dari pilihan itu yang menyenangkan hatiku. Keduanya bahkan menyebalkan!



Sekarang ini aku malah memilih untuk membaca buku saja daripada melihat dan memilih kumpulan foto-foto buruk itu. Biar nanti malam kulihat lagi lalu akan kuhapus semuanya. Atau mungkin aku akan menyimpan beberapa saja sekedar pengingat bahwa aku hadir di event itu.

Sedinya.

Day 295: Lelah Sekali

Setelah mencoba mengerjakan tugas dadakan dengan mengebut, sekarang aku merasa lelah sekali. Tetapi tetap saja aku merasa ada "gangguan", yaitu perasaan bahwa spreadsheet yang tadi telah kuselesaikan seoptimal mungkin ternyata masih ada kesalahan dan kekurangtelitian! Astaga!

Tapi aku merasa teralu lelah untuk mengkoreksi ulang jadi aku mengirim dulu saja apa yang sudah ada itu sebagai preliminary material, sekedar pembanding saja. Aku sadar kalau ternyata kesalahan yang aku lakukan adalah kesalahan seorang pemula, aku akan sangat malu karena tak sepantasnya orang selevel aku melakukan kesalahan seperti itu.

Mungkin ini yang disebut kurang koordinasi juga karena seharusnya aku memiliki semua informasi barang dan jasa yang aku butuhkan atau aku bisa meminta rekan kantor mencarikannya. Tetapi kok malah aku berkutat sendiri dengan segala kesulitan itu padahal seharusnya aku bisa dan pantas meminta bantuan.

Mungkin besok akan kugunakan untuk me-review lagi hasil kerja kebutku tadi malam sampai siang keesokan harinya (alias sampai hari ini).

Capek!

Akhirnya!

Akhirnya ada kegiatan juga! Aku harus mengurus sebuah daftar pekerjaan sesuai spesifikasi dua buah operator seluler di Indonesia, untuk tujuh regional. Jadi tujuh dikali dua sama dengan empat belas tabel yang harus diisi dalam kurang dari 24 jam -- termasuk malam ini.

Alamat tidak tidur atau kalau pun bisa tidur, ada kemungkinan tidak selesai.

Kelambatanku mengerjakannya rasanya karena sudah terlalu lama aku tak mengurus hal seperti ini sehingga tentu saja aku seperti orang bego lagi ketika diberikan buku referensi, daftar-daftar lama, lalu diminta mengisi daftar baru.

Hiks.. Hiks.. Perasaan campur aduk antara senang ada aktivitas yang cukup berarti lagi dan sedih karena sebenarnya aku ingin tidur cepat malam ini karena sedang tidak fit.

Rusting, Skill Not Put In Use

It had been a long while since last I did some stage photography, the thing that I like most among the object of photography. Come to think about it, a LONG while indeed.

That's my thought when I went through, selecting and deleting the hundreds of shots I took on two consecutive event that I photographed. My thought was that my photos look so ordinary that any person with a similar gears would have taken them. That idea really hurt my pride, you know.

But what can I say? I thought I got skills to do stage photography but now I doubt that I even have it in the first place, seeing all the photos I took. A lot of them are missed focus because I point the focusing bracket at the wrong subject. A lot of them are blurred because I had the inappropriate shutter speed. A lot of them are not properly exposed because I set the exposure compensation wrong. And many of them are composed poorly.

I even realize that I used to be active, walking and trying various spots for some shot, constantly moving to get the best shot. But these last two event, I just stand pretty much on the same place and took shots. Even after I reviewed them and I realize they're not even decently good, I stayed on the spot. Which actually was a bad decision.

Now, all I can do is one thing: PRACTICE MORE.

How else can I be responsible to the one type of photography that I like most?

Now, when will another event coming?

Panas Hari Ini

Cuaca kurang bersahabat hari ini. Terasa panas bahkan AC yang dinyalakan pada suhu 18 derajat tak mampu membuatku berhenti berkeringat. Mungkin akan hujan sore ini tapi aku juga tidak tahu. Kuharap tidak.

Aku sudah lama tidak memotret pertunjukan panggung dan tawaran untuk datang ke acara ulang tahun sebuah operator telekomunikasi di Indonesia membuatku ingin sekali menuju Senayan membawa kamera setiaku, si Nikon D50 dengan dua lensa wajib: Sigma 24-70 mm f/2.8 dan Nikon 80-200 mm f/2.8 yang sudah lama sekali tidak dikeluarkan dari tabungnya.

Tetapi tentu saja kekhawatiran soal cuaca adalah persoalan utama. Aku tak tahu dan tak yakin soal cuaca dan kemungkinan hujan-hujanan membawa gear senilai lebih hampir dua puluh juta rupiah (nilai saat aku beli tiap barang) yang rentan terhadap pengaruh elemen -- terutama air -- sangat mempengaruhiku. Ragu kan jadinya untuk berjalan dengan kondisi seperti itu?

Pilihan dan alternatif lain adalah dengan mengendarai mobil dengan resiko kena macet yang biasanya terjadi tiap weekend di rute yang rencananya akan kuambil. Memang terlindung dari elemen tapi ya tetap saja kemacetan akan membuatku terlambat datang ke tempat tujuan ditambah lagi kelelahan menyetir. Tapi setidaknya kamera dan lensa-lensaku aman dari resiko rusak oleh elemen.

Semua itu membuatku ragu dan YA, aku memang seorang yang peragu.

Apapun akhirnya kuharap tidak ada gangguan dan hambatan karena aku sudah ingin sekali memotret pertunjukan panggung. Kuharap semua bisa dilaksanakan dan lancar-lancar saja.

Day 285: Discipline And Focus

That's two of the most important things for character integrity -- or so I think.

Even with a commitment, being discipline and stay in focus take up a lot of energy and can be surprisingly tough thing to do. As with my initial intention on keeping a 5-day blog post which by the time you're reading this you must be able to guess that I am failing miserably.

My ideal thing with this blog is that I will write an update at the minimum of one for every five days passed since first of January, 2009. I even loosely limited the topic on anything that might be interesting to me -- since that time I thought on just focusing on one theme only and post anything related to it every five days might be an untenable task (please consider to look up on dictionary if "untenable" is an appropriate word -- atmr).

But that turned out to be a folly. Without focusing on a certain theme and keeping it on schedule (the fifth-day regular update), I can easily lost focus and not making any update AT ALL. Don't try to tell me about that fault because I am already felt like a failure at this and my self-esteem is hurting like a... I don't know. What'd be a word to describe it?

Again and again I am reminded but as always I am easily distracted and that cause me to unable to attend to my own schedule, the one I set for myself. Maybe I should do this differently from now on, like making a more specific description on my topic for that five-day regular and maybe sometimes make it a special!

Blah blah.. I am only so full of ideas!

:(

Day 279: Jumper

No, I'm not refering to the movie about some people born with an ability to teleport to places just by looking at the image of the place. Instead, I am talking about the Third Eye Blind's single, titled "Jumper" that I saw in Jim Carrey movie, "Yes Man".

The song tell about a friend that want to commit suicide by jumping from atop of a building. Well, that was kind of stray too much from my REAL point but the tune catch hold in my head and I found myself humming or singing part of the lyrics.

Maybe because that song remind me of myself, as I standing here prepare to jump. No, you! I don't mean to jump and die as in suicide. I mean that I'm jumping to embrace another operating system, jumping away from Microsoft Windows XP that I have been using these past few years. Let me admit it:

I am embracing open source software!

There! I said it!

I am the first in my office to start backing up my own work and personal files to CDs and DVDs. Too damn bad I didn't found one system to catalogue the content of all those disks, scratched on both surfaces and unable to be put inside a drive anymore.

I am the first in my office to start putting some work files in the cloud. That's because I don't want to carry a notebook around, adding at least three kgs to the overall weight of my luggages. That way, all I need is an internet connection and a rental computer loaded with appropriate office suite, be it OpenOffice or Microsoft Office.

Now, I am the first in my office to jump to open source section of the computer users. That's right! I now use dual-boot, Windows XP Home Service Pack 3 and Ubuntu Jaunty Jackalope. Even right now, I'm typing this post in a Mozilla Firefox web broser on GNOME, using Rythmbox to listen to my music list (it's still on mp3 format so I have to install the proper restricted codecs).

What I really mean that, even on a small scale thus have no power to change any other computer users in my office to ditch their older software and take Open Source Software instead. When I push up the idea to change into open source, I justgot rejected. Nobody seemed to like the notion; give it some consideration first; or even curious about Ubuntu Linux! Nobody, except me.

So here I am, writing this post, after jumping to another Open Source operating system and softwares..!

Let me qoute something:

At the core of the Ubuntu Philosophy are these core philosophical ideals:

1. Every computer user should have the freedom to download, run, copy, distribute, study, share, change and improve their software for any purpose, without paying licensing fees.
2. Every computer user should be able to use their software in the language of their choice.
3. Every computer user should be given every opportunity to use software, even if they work under a disability.

The freedoms at the core of free software are defined as:

• The freedom to run the programme, for any purpose.
• The freedom to study how the programme works and adapt it to your needs.
• The freedom to redistribute copies so you can help others.
• The freedom to improve the programme and release your improvements to the public, so that everyone benefits.

Source in here!

Today, I'm thinking of doing another Jumper session. What jump now that'd be?

Day 270: Jakarta (Tak Pernah) Sepi IV

apa ini cukup sepi? whatever!



yes? no? maybe?

Day 270: Life Is As Good As What You Make Of It

It is two in the morning and everybody's asleep. Well, that's almost everybody, because if you can read this post that only mean that I am not sleeping, not yet, anyway. I did not want to sleep because when I sleep it will be Your face that I see, it will be Your face that I will be dream of. So, instead of a slumber, I chose to keep myself awake.

Someone I overheard saying that Life is as good as what one would make of but maybe I just didn't buy it. I mean, if there's always this perpetual feeling that things could be -- or should I say must be -- getting much better, why does it seem that for me at least that everything has come to a halt, being stagnant (if I couldn't say that it's getting worse and worsen), depressingly routine. It is hard to believe and hold on some optimistic point of view when every facts you have point on the other way.

I shouldn't be saying this -- or in this case, wrote about this -- but this need to write something on this wee hour is so great that I must write. Something. Before I will myself to sleep. Facing You again, in Your own domain, Your dwelling place. And there is nothing that prepare me to another encounter with You.

There is light and there is Light, but there is Dark also.

I just don't know what You represent. Not yet, anyway.

Isn't It Curious? Photography Books Queries...

Right now, sitting in a cafe, drinking black coffee, no sugar (one of my favorite drink) while using the available free wi-fi, my mind got on a journey -- as what a wayfarer should be. That's me, wayfarer, if you don't recognize it. Maybe it's just my nature or the caffeine in just one cup could get my mind soaring and wandering to places that might be unrelated to my everyday life.

Right now I remember my previous visit to a famous bookstore that boast to be the largest in Indonesia. You see, as a photography hobbyist, it's no wonder that I'd walk to Hobby/Photography section on my every visit to that bookstore -- or any similar but different brand bookstore.

But in any Indonesian bookstore, I see similarities. Coincidence? I don't know. Maybe that's because it just what we Indonesian do things.

You see, there's seemed to be a lot more books on photography's digital editing, more than about how to photograph or any real photography books that even tell you about basic rules in photography, or books on tips, or about certain places that are photographically beautiful. There's these line of photoshoping books on different version of PS, or different subject but using Photoshop, or using Photoshop to edit photos.

I mean, want to find a book about lighting tutorials or composition or how to use certain types of camera? Good luck on that.

Maybe because doing photography is still an expensive hobby or maybe there's not enough local photographers willing to write books about their experience or offer their insights but there's an army of photoshoppers willing to share. Which is, to me, is inadequate, at least for me.

I mean, are those pro photograpers, Indonesian photographers, unable to find time to write quality books on various subjects? How can it seemed that photographers are more content on showing-off their work -- thus a lot of coffee table photography books -- but not their how-to's? How come you can find image editing books easier than photography books?

I know there are a lot of photographers, Indonesian photographers, that have great works and cool photos. But what about their thoughts? Their taking on some photography subjects?

No wonder you can see a lot of average photos out there on any social networking sites that are photography-centric. Or average photos heavily edited with various techniques and tricks. I must admit that I am amazed at the photos, the amout of work (time, energy, thinking) that were put on that photograph.

But you just can't take any average photo and photoshopped it to be outstanding. That's just be really tedious. Or maybe it can but that'll take a lot of work than doing it right the first place...

Come on you guys! Where's your books?

Day 250: New Gears Mean Broader Options and Creativity Choiches

That's what my decision based on when I bought the Yong Nuo YN-460 universal pin speedlight and later Fotga's wireless radio trigger PT-04TM. But the set you can see here is that I ordered my set with modified 433MHz antenna for farther reach -- which I haven't tested yet.



Now suddenly I was so much into creative lighting using remote strobe and already planning for another set of speedlight+radio receiver which would look like this one! Of course that setup would mean that I need another lightstand and -- just in case -- a couple of light modifiers.

And to spice this post up, below is a result from my using of one speedlight mounted on a standar tripod with bounced lighting and no modifier.

(talent Theresia / makeup Theresia / wardrobe Fajar D / boots model's own)

Hak dan Kewajiban, Ketidakseimbangan Memori...

Mungkin ini alasan saja atau mungkin juga bukan. Mungkin pula bahwa aku juga seperti ini. Betapa sering kita menjumpai orang-orang yang mengingat dengan tepat kapan haknya seharusnya diperoleh atau dilakukan tetapi bisa dengan gampangnya melupakan kewajiban dan tugas? Betapa gampangnya kemudian beralasan lupa mengerjakan karena sedang sibuk padahal orang tersebut memiliki waktu luang PADA JAM KERJA untuk mengerjakan hal lain yang berorientasi pada keinginan/kebutuhan pribadi semata?

Betapa ada orang yang harus ditanyakan kemajuan suatu pekerjaan baru dengan sigap mengeluarkan telepon seluler dan berkata akan menghubungi orang di sebelah sana untuk koordinasi padahal dia telah hampir setengah jam berbincang-bincang denganku membicarakan hal-hal yang tak berkaitan dengan pekerjaan sama sekali? Bagaimana pula bahwa kejadian ini berlalu sampai berminggu-minggu padahal sudah bukan cuma sekali aku harus bertanya soal kemajuan pekerjaannya sebelum dia mulai bekerja? Bagaimana pula kalau orang tersebut sudah ditegur berkali-kali saat berdua saja dan bahkan di depan koleganya?

Betapa aku tidak capek dalam pikiran karena bila semuanya melambat atau mengalami gangguan dan masalah lainnya karena abainya pihak-pihak lain maka semuanya akan dilimpahkan kepadaku untuk membereskannya dan diharapkan aku bisa dan harus bisa menyelesaikannya sementara mereka yang abai dan cuai bisa dengan tanpa rasa bersalah sama sekali melanjutkan hari-hari seperti biasa bahkan tak mendapatkan teguran?

Betapa aku tak capek menghadapi orang-orang yang selain abai juga tak mau belajar bahkan tak merasa tidak tahu? Atau bahkan setelah mengetahui kalau mereka tidak tahu mereka dengan gampangnya mengabaikan tugas dengan alasan "tidak tahu" kemudian malah duduk bersama-sama mengobrol hal-hal lain, bukannya mencoba mencari tahu? Mencoba memecahkan masalah?

Betapa aku tidak merasa lelah karena dianggap suka memerintah dan tidak punya perasaan hanya mendelegasikan pekerjaan ke orang lain lalu setiap hari bertanya soal kemajuan pekerjaan tersebut? Apakah cara bertanyaku yang salah atau apa?

Mengapa ketika diberi kebebasan untuk pulang lebih awal di bulan puasa, semuanya berebut pulang dan mengabaikan bahwa ada pekerjaan dan tugas yang sebenarnya bisa diselesaikan hari itu malah ditinggalkan karena adalah "hak" mereka untuk pulang lebih awal?

Mengapa ketika diperingatkan soal tugas dan pekerjaan yang belum selesai malah terlihat rasa tidak senang dan ketidaksukaan telah diingatkan?

Lalu entah mengapa aku malah membahas semua ini padahal mungkin saja aku mengalami ketidakseimbangan memori dan ini hanyalah sebentuk upaya pembenaran diri sendiri.

I Guess That's One Down

There's a lot happened already. Problems, problems, and more problems. Hurt my head. Hurt my feelings. Nothing positive coming out of this. Some of the times I felt worse because actually I am fooling others, I am fooling myself, and I am fooling God. At least the latter part, I pretend to be fooling Him.

So that's it. After years of working and splurging, experiencing a lot and missing a lot more, high times and low, I am officially broke.

That one experience alone is worth more. I know how helpless one could feel about that. How much money can influence the quality of my life. How was it affecting me, my choices, my actions, etc.

From training myself to be more positive and outwardly, it changed me to the extreme reversion. Such is the power of money. I hope I would never be encountering the same problem again or else I'd be losing my sanity [hyperbole intended].

After -- at least I think I did -- tackled that one problem down, I have another one: to change my spending habit. This one is really hard and I mean, REALLY HARD. I hope I could, though.

While I'm at it, I guess the other one is to confront the result of my own doing a few months ago. This one is as hard as it may be.

God, help me to be able to speak this one out.

Day 240: Apa Kemungkinan Terburuknya?

Begitulah pertanyaanku ke diri sendiri.

Maka aku memberanikan diri mengirim sebuah pesan lewat situs jejaring sosial terkenal ke seorang fotografer profesional yang bekerja untuk sebuah raksasa media di nusantara yang banyak menerbitkan berbagai majalah lisensi.

Biarpun aku berusaha mengirimkan pesan sesingkat mungkin, tetap saja aku rasa agak melantur. Aku mulai dengan pembukaan berupa upaya mengingatkan -- yang mungkin sia-sia karena dua kali pertemuan kami singkat saja -- kapan dan dimana kami pernah bersilangan jalan. Lalu kusebutkan alasan mengirim pesan, yaitu melihat karya fotografi terakhirnya di sebuah majalah yang baru saja kubeli kemarin. Kuakui aku tak mencoba memuji fotonya di situ karena aku merasa karya-karyanya yang lain masih lebih bagus dan menarik buatku (pendapat dan selera pribadi).

Terakhir, tentu saja, untuk memancing jawabannya (kalau dia mau menjawab) adalah melontarkan pertanyaan tentang lokasi fotonya yang dipasang sebagai foto profil.

Setelah itu aku menekan tombol "Kirim Pesan".

Lalu aku langsung menulis post ini untuk alasan sederhana: melampiaskan kelegaanku karena akhirnya mau mencoba menghubungi orang yang (beberapa) karyanya menyadarkanku kalau di Indonesia orang juga punya kemampuan sama (atau melebihi) kemampuan orang luar negeri -- such a very loose term.

Yang sekarang kulakukan adalah meneruskan aktivitas seperti biasa dan melupakan satu hal ini. Bila ada jawaban dari beliau, bagus. Bila tidak, setidaknya aku sudah mencoba lebih aktif lagi.

If I could, and you can see, I'm patting my back right now and both of us smiling broadly.

Di Tepi Sungai Piedra Aku Duduk dan Menangis -- Paulo Coelho

Jika kepedihan harus datang, biarlah ia datang dengan cepat. Karena aku memiliki kehidupan, dan aku harus menjalaninya dengan sebaik-baiknya. Kalau ia harus membuat pilihan, biarlah ia melakukannya sekarang. Dengan begitu aku bisa menunggu atau melupakan dirinya.

Menunggu sangatlah menyakitkan. Melupakan amatlah menyakitkan. Namun tidak mengetahui apa yang harus dilakukan adalah penderitaan yang paling menyakitkan.

Di suatu sudut di hatiku, aku merasa Ia mendengarkan permohonanku.

Day 2 On The Road (Part 3)

Alone an Alone, another view in Terminal 3

Day 2 On The Road (Part 2)

Another interesting view.

Day 2 On The Road (Part 1)

Yes, I know that I missed my Day One post, but hey! I'm on a vacation so spare me! Yesterday I am amazed by the view of the Terminal 3 of Soekarno Hatta International Airport in Cengkareng. Spacious; sophisticated; humane. So very different from Terminal 1 or 2. You can actually enjoy your waiting period there.

Below I inserted one photo that I took with my mobile phone.

Day 225 in Coincidence With Day -1

Here I am writing this one blog post when I should be rechecking BALUT II and BAST II documents for various projects before I embark on my travel in my long-awaited vacation.

I had one paracetamol 500 mg earlier this morning and yet my headache still have its reign over my head and disturbing my peace. Oh my delicate head and its precious thoughts and ideas!

Luckily my lenses and my camera is ready and already cleaned and checked. I'll be bringing my Sigma 24-70 mm f/2.8 and Nikon AF 80-200 mm f/2.8 D ED with tripod collar plus my Yong Nuo YN460 speedlight for this trip plus a SLIK tripod but haven't decided on bringing my monopod or not.

Of course a backpack and a daypack for my stuffs and gears for this short trip is ready but the contents aren't yet.

I have uploaded my travel itinerary to the cloud just in case I lost my printed ones.

My medicine is packed in a special case.

Now I really think that I miss something. I just wonder what that is...

Day -2 And Still Unfinished!

Today is.. Oops.. Tonight is the Day-2 but I still haven't finished packing yet and as midnight looms I'm getting tired.

Maybe I just call this a night and get some sleep. I need sleep.

Today is Day -3, Let Me Think First

Because today is Day -3, I thought it'd be appropriate to recap about all the things I did and haven't do yet. My backpack and daypack is ready. My personal medicine too.

My clothes? Not yet. I haven't decided yet which jacket to bring. And how many t-shirts would I be needing? And shoes, what about shoes? Should I be wearing my old sport shoes or a newer canvas ones?

My photograpy gears, should I bring my Sigma 24-70mm f/2.8 and Nikon 80-200mm f/2.8 or just the Nikon tele or would I better be bringing my kit Nikon 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 DX lens too? Three lenses? Isn't it too much to bring? In which bag would I be keeping them all? In separate cases or in one daypack? What about tripods and monopod? Or should I bring my monopod too? Does Angga have a tripod that he can spare me?

The list would be a long one but I must keep all the stuff I bring along to a minimum. Or else I'd be getting back pain. I guess I'm not that young anymore. Sigh.

Day -4 A New Week A New Problem

As I said before, my fever has subsidized (kind of) but my cough seem reluctant to let me go. The doctor said that I might be allergic to dust or small particles not just from cold climate. He even warned me about the risk that my tonsils have to be taken in case it got infected due to the allergic reaction that made me unwell.

Such a horror!

Anyway, I should be using masks everytime I might be exposed to a lot of dust (or fine particles in the air) or else it'll be an operation! Now, I guess I have to get back to work, making list of stuff to bring with on my upcoming travel!

Day 220: Saturday Night Fever, or Day -6

My sore throat got worse. Maybe because of my diet. I am stupid but it's kind of hard to find enjoyable gourmet here. Less than a week and I'm off! Yet my condition is getting better then worsen again. I don't know what my body really want but right now I'm sure I could use some bath and soap.

Huh? You don't get my point?

I'm sweating like a pig a couple of times today and the shirt I'm wearing keep getting wet and dry alternately -- so now you could imagine the smell.

Why I'm not getting myself bathe yet? I just got lazy.

And to remember that this is a Saturday night, when all people seemed to be out to get some fun, here I am slumped on the couch typing this post and feeling miserable about my body and the fever that grips it dearly. I got the August edition of MAXIM Indonesia but seeing the photos taken by the experts there made me green with envy.

Ah, better read something that got nothing to do with photography.

Day -8 Another Bad Luck

Looks like I am down with a fever right now. A nice and friendly fever that hold on me so tight I can't think clearly due to asphyxiation.

Ha! I bet you had to open dictionary on that one word!

Not a good sign at all. A lot of work and so many things to do and yet here I am writing this post while trying so damn hard to think of projects' documents that seemed very keen on practicing ninjitsu by disappearing! Been a long time ago that we done some of the projects and a lot have changed so now when all those things suddenly trusted upon me to carry on and finish them, I gagged.

Crap.

Day -12 And Another Thing Coming Up

I just don't think that their business group will take on our offer and our price but will choose another design consulting service instead. A bad sign because then maybe my boss will have a second thought about taking the concrete and transmission tower erection.

And another thing coming up so I must travel out of town for a couple of days tomorrow. But at 22:21 I still haven't done any packing. I'm such a lazy person. Actually, my headache is killing me and I wish I have a special ability like removing my brain to lessen the pain but still live.

Well, can't blame me for having imagination, though.

Day -14 And An Unfortunate Event Involving Cheap Electronics (Luckily, There's No Fire!)

This is one very unfotunate event happened in my life lately. You see, last night I bought a lot of DVDs to keep me company at this very weekend.

When I got home and pop in a DVD in the player, the disc played for 25 minutes before freezed out. So I pushed the PAUSE button and then PLAY. But nothing happened. I pressed NEXT and still nothing happened. I pressed STOP and then PLAY but the display just show LOADING and still nothing happened!

So the next step I turned off the player and on again but the screen only show LOADING for five minutes but still nothing happened.

I remember perfectly clear that just the very morning I was able to watch a couple of chapters from The Forbidden Legend: Sex and Chopstick Part One so I thought maybe the new disc I just acquired got broken somehow. I popped in the Forbidden Legend DVD and wait for the LOADING screen.

It showed LOADING for a very long time it finally dawned on me that maybe the fact is that the player just went kaput. Craptastic! I thought I'd be lucky coming this August but now I think not.

The one that just got broke was Chinese made with Bratron (in Bridgestone tire font type) and the seller at Glodok told me that it'd probably would only last for a couple of months. Yet it stay strong for almost two years. So I guess it's time for a new DVD player.

Would it be another Chinese made or should I play it safe with an established brand instead?

Day -16 And Still Nothing New (or Day 210)

Just a couple of weeks to go and still I acquire no new skill and I even feel that I am dumber than ever.

I should do a lot of things and learn a lot more but here I am writing this feeling gloomier and gloomier. Should I do something about myself? Like making list of things to be prepared for the event?

Yes I should.

But here I am typing at this window for a post while my mind went partially blank, not even know what to do next.

Day 210: Times' A Changin'

How did I suddenly became gloomy like this?

Maybe because I held everything to myself and keep everyone away.

These are the loneliest days of my life -- times when I think that I really got no one to share, to tell -- and sometimes an end seemed very tempting.

I seek answer but I found no one I can trust who will give me any answer or at least to show me some way.

And changing are people and things around me. People leave one by one.

That made me just getting bitter. My fear is The Change. I know it is irrational but some people have phobia to change and I am one of them. The Change making me feeling a lot of mixed emotions.

Times are changing and I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring.

And to think there is no one to bear with me...

Day -18 And Another Grumpier Day

What is it with this people?

Just finding a couple of serial numbers in a couple of binders, typing them, check and rechecking the numbers, then printing all the documents (two copies for the total of about fifty sheets) should be easy, right?

Yet this guy spend all day doing just that and at five o'clock is already checking out and preparing to go home.

And not even doing anything more. I know he always lagged on documenting things and organizing but this is ridiculous!

It happened a couple of times already and I am the one who's taking s**t for other people's messing up. Craptastic!

Day 205: Colleagues, Oh My Colleagues

How fun can work be if you have colleagues just like mine?

They surely and successfully give me headaches when I need it the least. Oh well, what can I expect?

It's Now Day -22

Today I learn that you can only trust one that much. Being "that" is loosely based on the character of the person whom you gave it to.

But then again, I really hope people can expand their own abilities and upgrading themselves -- which is an egoist notion actually. By being more qualified means that I can delegate more and more work to others.

But then again, doing things would only make me better and better at those things. This is not dillematic because it's simple, really. Do more, practice more, became an expert.

I remember that I haven't finished making padding for my sidebag so I can fit my flash unit and my camera in a bag safely. Safe here means that it has adequate protection against banging them to other things and the bag doesn't look like a camera bag which might fool people who would've thinking of robbing me out of my gears. That way, I can travel feeling more secure.

Day -23 and Another Distraction

This time my job is distracting me from my goals. I have to give support for my colleagues -- which is expected -- and set my priority list aside.

But that is O.K. Since it was my job that sustaining me all these time and surely that being the thing that enable me to take this excursion. Surely, being involved in a committee took up my mind off this preparation too. Maybe I just have to put up extra time for accommodating all these things that happened simultaneously in my life.

Right now, off to my colleagues!

Day -24 And Counting Down

Time sure slipped by..!

And I'm kind of afraid that I won't be prepared enough when the time come!

Day -25: Priorities Get Mixed Up

You see, I have made a priority list.

But being me, I got it all mixed up with the top most became the third or fourth and the not-so-important became number one priority.

Oh well, that's what went wrong with my head. I should preparing myself and my gears but then my concentration and will get distracted by this application that already take up much of my online time, mind, and energy.

Right now I am typing this while occasionally checking on the progress.

Hmm.. Shouldn't I be doing something more productive?

Day -27: Easily Exhausted

Now I really have to admit: My body is a wreckage.

Months -- even years -- of desk job with less than adequate physical activities has already take on its toll. Now I am an overweight-lazy-couch potato with a beer gut. Not that I drink beer, it's just that now I look like someone who's three months into pregnancy. Not that I am pregnant -- I am a male, for crissake! It's just metaphorically speaking.

Even when I tested myself by climbing four-flight stairs, I ended up gasping out of breath on the top floor with my heart thumping loudly in my chest and making me hard to hear anybody. I thought at that time that heart attack was imminent.

No, I am kidding. I just happen to like exaggerating things to impress others. All right, maybe I am a little bit pathetic. But exaggeration sometimes add colors to stories, right?

Okay, back to my point here. I am easily exhausted and right now at three in the afternoon I have to fight this drowsiness eventhough I already gulped a cup of strong black robusta coffee. Okay, I lead an unhealthy way of life and now that I am preparing for an excursion to the east, I realize that keeping a healthy and fit body is a precious thing and appropriate.

Oh hell. I will walk more, climb stairs more, and even take out my old and dusty sneakers from under the cupboard and don them. Come tomorrow, I'll be walking around in the city garden!


... If I wake early enough.

Confusion on Day -28

Aaarrrggghhh!

I am really confused. Too many things to do yet so little time to do all of them! Especially when lately I seemed to be having some new level of laziness. I slept early and woke up late and still felt sleepy in the office. That made me unable to search and read all the things I deemed important to learn.

You see, previously I thought I could use my spare time in the day to learn about as much information and new knowledge and doing some practices in the night or early in the morning but my body just refused to cooperate with my mind!

Really make me confused...

Starting The Countdown: Day -29

Hooray!

Such an excitement that feels kind of strange to me these days -- because it has been such a long time before that I felt it.

I'm preparing for another excursion to escape this city that has been kind of depressing to me in these couple of months.

So much to do. I have to check and recheck my gears and my schedules and my plans and my itineraries. I have to be healthy and fit for doing the activities and whatever demand on my physical fitness should the need arise.

Well, that one is kind of hard. I am too lazy to wake up in the morning for doing any physical activities to keep myself healthy and in condition.

I should clean up my daypack and my backpack. Which shoes to wear? Do I have to bring two tripods or one sturdy tripod and one monopod? Which lens to bring? When will I be able to search through the internet to find interesting spots and places to visit? How much time does it require to reach each destination? Will the place worth the travel?

I must be doing some preparation and not even writing this post. Geez, so little time...

Day 195: Sedang Musimnya...

Seperti kali ini memang sedang musimnya.

Musim penyakit, terutama penyakit ISPA (Infeksi Saluran Pernapasan Atas). Akibatnya selain pernapasan terganggu, badan juga terasa tidak fit membuat kehilangan gairah kerja. Aktivitas dikurangi dan produktivitas menurun. Penyakit ini mau dibilang serius, tidak juga. Mau dibilang ringan, kok bisa-bisanya cukup mengganggu juga ya?

Tetapi kali ini daripada menghabiskan waktu merasa terganggu dan memikirkan penyakit seperti ini yang juga membuat badan terasa meriang, lebih baik melakukan hal-hal positif dan berguna seperti riset online dan mempelajari peta.

Baiklah! Siap! Bergerak!

Oh Tuhanku...

Seperti yang kutulis di deskripsi blog ini, Tuhan yang aku kenal adalah seorang Tuhan yang suka padaku dan sering bercanda denganku. Hanya kadang saja aku merasa kalau canda yang dilakukan-Nya lebih lucu bagi orang lain yang mendengarkanku mengulangnya. Beberapa kali, ketika aku menceritakan kisah hidupku dan merasakan emosi kesedihan saat mengulang "kaset rekaman" memori itu, pendengarku justru tertawa terbahak-bahak.

**Sigh...**

Tuhan mencintai dan menyayangi aku biarpun aku sering sekali melupakan dan mengabaikannya. Tuhan mendengarkan doa-doaku; permintaan dan permohonanku. Dulu aku meragukan hal ini tapi ternyata tidak juga. Tuhan mendengarkan doa kita yang ditujukan pada-Nya. Hanya saja, sering kali jawabannya adalah, "Tidak."

Atau mungkin, "Nanti."

Lalu adakalanya ketika kita meminta dalam doa yang diulang-ulang, saat kita memohon meminta hanya satu, Dia mengabulkannya dengan memberikan lebih. Lalu kita merasa kaget dan bingung dan segala macam bentuk penderitaan lainnya. Kita mungkin merasa tidak layak terlalu dilimpahi kemurahanhati-Nya. Kita mungkin merasa bingung, "Mau diapakan pemberian sebanyak ini?"

Lalu dalam kebingungan baru kita karena doa kita dikabulkan berlipat ganda, kita malah membuat doa baru kepada Tuhan meminta untuk mengambil lagi berkat-Nya dan hanya meninggalkan satu saja untuk kita. "Cukup satu Tuhan. Sekarang aku tak tahu mau apakan kelebihan ini."

Pernahkah lalu kita merasa seandainya Tuhan seperti aku dan kamu, Dia akan merasa terganggu dan jengkel? Dia akan bilang, "Tadi kamu mohon diberikan, sampai doa berkali-kali. Sekarang Kuberi lebih dari satu, kamu tidak mau. Apa sih sebenarnya maumu, anak-Ku?"

Manusia memang sulit sekali dipuaskan. Manusia memang suka sekali menuntut. Namun, jarang manusia yang sadar kalau Tuhanlah yang memutuskan segala sesuatunya dan manusia cuma cocok menerima saja apa adanya. Ataupun bila sadar, manusia lebih terbiasa untuk melupakannya.

Tuhanku adalah Tuhan yang suka bercanda. Kesukaannya ini didasari oleh rasa cinta kasih-Nya kepadaku.

How So?

How is that so that recently I am easily getting headaches? Were they caused by me getting fatter and fatter? Because I live an unhealthy life, like do no workout?

I can't even think straight without even a slight headache.

Or were it caused by me not getting any of my problems fixed or solved?

Or were it caused by me dying? Hmm.. That's an interesting thought.

People Come And Go, But...

People come and go but I'm still around here.

I wonder what happened to me. Am I being comfortable in an uncomfortable (poisonous) zone like what a motivational speaker told in a TV show?

I was talking about another person who quit our company with intention of seeking a better payroll. That got me into a deep thinking: Was I being to afraid to venture to another path? To another career? To another life?

What am I became? A coward? Where have the adventurous wayfarer spirit go?

What You Are Not.. (Yet)

You're not even a REAL model, YET, but already you started to pick attitudes and embodied it within yourself, some of the worst quality a (so-called) model is.

And that'd be probably your saying that I am not that into socializing with you. And that might be a grain of truth in that since I already sense your unaccepting behaviour -- which include picking with whom you're talking and acknowledgin with -- and I revel on that.

Woman, you're not even a model and the reason people took your pictures because you're one of the only two female in the room who were present to be an object on lighting testing and experimentation project we did.

And sure, you might say that this is such a wimpish act -- by not talking (insulting?) you in front of the others -- but I am sure not want to change the merry mood that session tends to into a sour one.

Until then, woman, be wise. You're just another young female among the abundant young females here living in Jakarta.

Mencoba Jalur Baru?

Seorang temanku menawarkan kesempatan memotret lokasi gedung parlemen, lengkap dengan akses ke atap.
Menarik juga. Tertarik juga. Masalahnya adalah gedung parlemen itu tidak dekat dari tempatku sekarang dan tentu saja untuk perjalanan menuju ke sana aku membutuhkan persiapan khusus.
Hm, apa bisa ya diriku yang pemula ini "menangkap" sudut-sudut gedung parlemen kita ya?

Image Editing and Post-Processing

Like I said in my previous post, in order to be true to my (hobby) photography art, I should seriously taking up image editing skills and post-processing technique.

That's the way if I am to excell even more in this one particular area: to expand my abilities.

Maybe I start by uploading images to the (freely downloadable) GIMP and start experimenting with the tools and options provided in the menu. Instead, I want to start now so this post better be ended here.

Thanks for reading and I'll try to keep you all updated on my progress!

Day 160: Doing Something Different?

I was thinking of doing something REALLY different.

Like taking photos of some objects I never take before, using angles I almost never used before, and such.




Like this one.

Now if only I could find some way to make this one "speak" more, I'd be delighted. Too short a time made me unable to explore more of the spot and the objects at that particular place.

Sadly, a second visit that night offered less opportunity since it was too dark (it was raining heavily) and less lights were available.

Oh well, another spot on another time, maybe?

Day 155: "Endlessly," She Said

Walked into our world and made horrible sounds.
I can still hear them today.
Strangely, they seem beautiful now though they outlast my love.
Still, each time I always meant every word, every one.
Though, in time they finally bent every word, every one.
"I will wait for you," she said, "endlessly."
"I will wait for you."
So spoke Misery.
I returned to you but found my empty home.
The radio told me to stay.
As it burned down I sang alone.
You will outlast, my love.
I have been waiting for you, biting as you taught me to.
I have come to relieve you of life and love.

= = = = = =

I did not know how or why but I suddenly had this urge to play this song again and again. So I dig up my CDs and took out AFI's "decemberunderground" which I bought a couple of years ago when I was still in Pontianak, West Borneo.

Even now, late night in the office, I still chat on online messenger and composing this post while repeatedly play this track. I still don't know how I became nostalgic but I must admit that this is one band that I want to watch when they come here for live performance on tour.

And now, when will it be?

Me Thinks Not...

Me not thinking anything right now.

Me not thinking about it right now.

Me feels world's not quite adequate.

Me feels life's hard when me got no one to share with.

Me hurt me pride.

Me hurt me self-esteem.

Me forget not of she.

Me forget not of me self.

Me wish me more careful.

Me wish me more cheerful.

Me pray that there is us.

Me pray to God for us.

But me then decide,

me think not do all that.

Danger, High Level Of Sugar.

You see, I've always known that too much sugar is not healthy, to the internal organ and your dental too.

So why I ate this deliciously looking, cutely wrapped, heavily sugar coated cake?

Just tearing the packaging to get at the cake made my heart squeamish but after seeing the pink mound made my heart filled with joy!

"Oooohh.... Sooooo cuteeee...."

Maybe because the giver said that it symbolize a pray for me. A good pray. That's the whole reason I ate it all. Because then the pray may be whole.

I ate the cake slowly, appreciating the sweet taste in my tounge, feeling the rush of saliva out to help dissolve the sugar.

That was half an hour ago.

Now my head hurt and my heart throb. The sugar rate in my blood must be spiked. And my gum and teeth, Ouch!

I am stupid.

Eventhough it was a pray for me, I should be greedy and ate it all by myself.

Day 150+1: Not Really A Post

Di luar mendung padahal aku masih menjemur sepatu keds dan sendal-sendal gunungku. Terus masih mengangin-anginkan sepatu-sepatu kulitku yang baru saja kubersihkan dan kusemir. Aku mau pergi ke barber langgananku untuk merapikan rambut -- terutama bagian cambang yang sudah mulai tumbuh liar dan ikal. Tapi melihat mendung di luar, aku ragu untuk melanjutkan rencanaku. Malas kehujanannya itu lho.

Anyway, seperti kebiasaanku akhir-akhir ini, sekali lagi aku melewatkan kesempatan menulis post sesuai jadwal rencana 5-harian aku. Jadi semakin malu saja pada diri sendiri. Aku sungguh tidak bisa konsisten pada diri sendiri. He he he..

Sudahlah, begitu banyak yang masih harus dilakukan.

Oh ya, lensa Nikkor MF 28mm f/3.5 dan EL-Nikkor 80mm f/5.6 ini mau kuapain ya?

Day 145: Counting Down The Days

I think that my camera are nearing the end of its days.

A few times already my shutter got stucked and jammed and the LCD flashing the word "Err". At first I thought that that was just some minor glitch. But now I thought that it wasn't.

If you familiar with SLRs, you should know the term "shutter count". Every camera has its standard for shutter count, according to the lab test of the manufacture. Now that I have reached more than 40,000 clicks on my shutter, it normally would show signs of deterioration; of malfunctioning; because like all mechanical gadget, things wore down in due time.

And now I think that my camera already showing signs. Of its death.

I must start to save for the repair fee. Of the components and spare parts price. And I must ask Alta for the price and time required to repair the shutter release.

Ouch.

Day 140: Aku dan Semua Yang Terluka Karena Cinta

mencoba mendefinisikan cinta,

ada berapa banyak orang yang sudah mencoba melakukannya?

termasuk aku.

seseorang pernah bertanya padaku,

"menurutmu, apa itu cinta?"

aku mencoba memberikan jawaban filosofis,

jawaban yang terdengar intelek dan berkualitas,

tapi yang keluar hanyalah rangkaian kata,

yang tak punya arti maupun integritas.

aku tergagap dan aku gagal.

sekarang aku cuma tahu,

cinta cukup dirasakan saja.

aku tak mau jadi bodoh dua kali,

mencoba mendefinisikan cinta dalam batasan,

yang gampang berubah seiring waktu.

bila aku pernah luka karena cinta,

semoga tak ada orang yang tahu,

tak ada orang yang melihatnya,

karena bagiku luka seperti itu sebaiknya,

dirawat dan disembuhkan dalam ruangan pribadi.

bila kau pernah luka karena cintaku,

bila kau pernah luka karena merasa kucintai,

biarlah kubiarkan kau dalam tanya,

sedalam apakah lukaku sendiri.

and it's getting into my nerve too

that i missed my 130th-day post.

i need something. to. channel. out. angst.

or i probably just need a lot of sleep.

Day 135: I Thought That I Am Special..

In fact, it turned out, much to my bitter feelings, that I am no one.

Like chanting, "I am no one, I am nothing."

And I felt that all my life, I could never achieved first position in anything.

It turned out that maybe I am here, alive and breathing, so others can have cproof, someone to refer to, when they want to spell:

F-A-I-L-U-R-E

I thought that I am special but maybe I am here so others can look at me and feel better about themselves.

Maybe God is a joker.

Another Scheduled Post Missed...

What is really happening to me? Why does it seemed that I intentionally neglecting the 5th-day blogpost schedule? Am I becoming lazy and lazier? (I don't know if "lazier" exists in English)

Whatever the reason is, I should be keeping my commitment to myself otherwise how can I say that I am not cheating to myself?

Mungkin Salahku Melewatkanmu

Sesal takkan ada arti karena semua t'lah terjadi.

.

.

.

Maafkan aku.

==================================

I wish I could say the same to myself. I wish I could say that I regret this. But then again, I am not. So why bother anyway. Just live on and keep on walking for whatever that lay behind me is already in my past.

I wish I could made you a poem. I wish I could write you a song. I wish I could paint you a picture.

But I am not all of that because I am not in any kind of an artist.

I wish I could say that I made this up. But right now, I don't even know how to separate my imagination from my reality.

I wish I could buy you things.

I wish I could protect you from harm.

I wish I could always be there everytime you need me.

I wish I was all that but I am not.

I just wish I never wrote this piece but then again I wish I did.

Day 125: Finding What?

There I was, on another trip through the backside, driving alone, like I always do.

And I thought it'd be nice if only I knew the reason why I drove through there in the first place.

What was I really try to find?

What was there to find?

Am I or am I not? Was I or was I not?

What? Where? Which? Who?

WHAT?

Day 120: I'm Not Okay With The Silence

I don't mind waiting as long as there is sun,

brightly shine and sometimes blinding,

if you just promise.

Even if it's a lie,

that you will come back home.

==============================

These are hard times.

And it's even harder to put on masks.

To wear faces to assure those around me,

that all's allright and work's well.

Some moments I spend in silence,

but only when I'm sure that there's

no one around to see if I should have

one or two teardrops for you.

These are hard times,

harder when I realize I made you,

A Promise.

Just a simple thing to do yet taking me,

just a lot strength of will to not to.

Because I made you a promise.

So I became silent.

And when I want to leave the light on,

I can't sleep, can't rest.

Because it is silent. Too silent.

And if I turn off the light,

the darkness is not a friend anymore.

But I stay silent.

These are hard times,

these are the times of the midnight sun.

These are hard times.

But I'll fool anyone.

Anyone but you.

OMG These People Sucks!

kesal, jengkel, emosi, ngehadapin orang-2 kaya tai gini!!!!

semua isi kebon binatang lah pokoknya!!!!

Day 115: I Tried To, But It's Just So Damn Hard

You see, my real intention is to make a post about something that sound optimistic.

But given the things happen lately, it became harder to make one. Especially since I decided to stop doing my one hobby for a while. Yeah, that's right.

If you follow most of my post, you'll realize that how much I love photography. A lot of time and resource I already spent in this area. A lot of new friends I get from doing this hobby. A fun-loving community I joined in which we all laugh together. New places I visit that I don't think will ever be in my life if it wasn't for the hobby.

But right now I am stuck. I am in a dead end and the one and only way I came has been blocked by an avalance.

I am stuck in photography because I felt that I am already at the limit of my skill, creativity, and ability.

Which is why I thought that I need a hard reset by not doing any photography -- that is touching my camera and shoot some pictures -- at all. Yes, I still bring my travel weary Nikon D50 everywhere with the attached MF 50mm f/1.4 lens. But I rarely take hold it in my hand, much less taking pictures.

It's been almost a week and I already felt losing something that was really big in my life. I didn't know that my decision of leaving photography would really hurt my feelings. I felt an intense crave to take pictures but everytime I hold my camera and peek through the viewfinder, something came down in my head and block my mind.

I just forget what to shoot, because everything went dark.

My work became a burden. I find no fun in doing any chore and tasks. Eating my favorite dish won't even cheer me up. It used to but now it just don't.

Now here I am, writing this piece of post that I am sure that only a few people care to read -- if any at all.

I once said that it was photography that keep me sane and the one that I held dearly. There are even times when it was the only thing that kept me going through the week: A promise of doing some weekend photography with friends.

But now it just cease to be.

Doing this hobby just hurt me. And I hate getting hurt.

I am stuck. I don't know how to get out. I'm even tired of my life.

I think I am losing myself.

And I had to resist this ugly urge to crawl under a desk, holding my legs up, and hiding from the world.

I don't think I am losing myself. I AM losing it.

=============

Sorry

by Buckcherry

Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away

I missed you and things weren't the same

[Pre-Chorus:]

Cause everything inside it never comes out right

And when I see you cry it makes me want to die

[Chorus:]

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all the things I said to you

And I know I can't take it back

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round

And I just wanted to say I'm sorry:

This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days

You get older and blame turns to shame

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

Every single day I think about how we came all this way

The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right

Oh yeah I'm sorry!

[Chorus]

I'm sorry baby, yeah , I'm sorry

Day 110: The Bleakest Period Of My Life

Talk to me softly / There is something in your eyes / Don't hang your head in sorrow

And please don't cry /I know how you feel inside / I've been there before
Somethin is changin' inside you / And don't you know
.

.

.

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight
.

.

.

Give me a whisper / And give me a sign / Give me a kiss before you
tell me goodbye / Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinkin' of you / And the times we had...baby
.

.

.

You gotta make it your own way / But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow / Come the morning light now baby

=======

I still don't know what to say.  But all I know that it was all my fault. The only thing left to do now is learning from this.

Maybe I am not worthy of anything and God just made me here to be an example of bad judgement in life, love, and relationship.

I am sorry, L.

I am sorry, M.

Day 105: I Don't Think Your Company Is THAT Great

Today I represent my company on a meeting with board of directors of a -- supposedly and self-acclaimed -- largest national company in this specific field of business.

Basically, the directors asked us, their partners, to be patient for a little while for their bank gave them the money to pay us all.

Well, Mr. X, after hearing all your sweet talking for half an hour and hear your CFO's explanantion which include some mumbling, I thought that your company is not THAT great.

That proves my point of view: Some people made it through with a little help by being boastful.

Day 100: (I Do Hope This To Be) Alive And Kicking!

Again, I missed my 95th Day periodical blog post!

This thing of keeping up with my commitment for a five-day-periodical post is beginning to feel hard to keep. But I wish I can do it.

There's just so much thing going on in my mind that I want to write down but somehow I just can't do it. Maybe this one is up for an update for later.