Day 115: I Tried To, But It's Just So Damn Hard

You see, my real intention is to make a post about something that sound optimistic.

But given the things happen lately, it became harder to make one. Especially since I decided to stop doing my one hobby for a while. Yeah, that's right.

If you follow most of my post, you'll realize that how much I love photography. A lot of time and resource I already spent in this area. A lot of new friends I get from doing this hobby. A fun-loving community I joined in which we all laugh together. New places I visit that I don't think will ever be in my life if it wasn't for the hobby.

But right now I am stuck. I am in a dead end and the one and only way I came has been blocked by an avalance.

I am stuck in photography because I felt that I am already at the limit of my skill, creativity, and ability.

Which is why I thought that I need a hard reset by not doing any photography -- that is touching my camera and shoot some pictures -- at all. Yes, I still bring my travel weary Nikon D50 everywhere with the attached MF 50mm f/1.4 lens. But I rarely take hold it in my hand, much less taking pictures.

It's been almost a week and I already felt losing something that was really big in my life. I didn't know that my decision of leaving photography would really hurt my feelings. I felt an intense crave to take pictures but everytime I hold my camera and peek through the viewfinder, something came down in my head and block my mind.

I just forget what to shoot, because everything went dark.

My work became a burden. I find no fun in doing any chore and tasks. Eating my favorite dish won't even cheer me up. It used to but now it just don't.

Now here I am, writing this piece of post that I am sure that only a few people care to read -- if any at all.

I once said that it was photography that keep me sane and the one that I held dearly. There are even times when it was the only thing that kept me going through the week: A promise of doing some weekend photography with friends.

But now it just cease to be.

Doing this hobby just hurt me. And I hate getting hurt.

I am stuck. I don't know how to get out. I'm even tired of my life.

I think I am losing myself.

And I had to resist this ugly urge to crawl under a desk, holding my legs up, and hiding from the world.

I don't think I am losing myself. I AM losing it.

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Sorry

by Buckcherry

Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away

I missed you and things weren't the same

[Pre-Chorus:]

Cause everything inside it never comes out right

And when I see you cry it makes me want to die

[Chorus:]

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all the things I said to you

And I know I can't take it back

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round

And I just wanted to say I'm sorry:

This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days

You get older and blame turns to shame

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

Every single day I think about how we came all this way

The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right

Oh yeah I'm sorry!

[Chorus]

I'm sorry baby, yeah , I'm sorry